Can Shame be Life Threatening?
By Punjita Pradhan
This piece addresses sensitive topics of shame, self-doubt, and self-injury. If you are experiencing feelings of inadequacy, rejection, or emotional hurt, please proceed with caution. If at any time the content feels overwhelming, please feel free to take a break or seek the advice of a trusted mental health care provider. Your emotional health is important.
'Shame, shame, puppy shame, all the donkeys know your name.'
It started out as a kid's insult, a childhood teasing, a rhyme on the playground.
Now, even though the laughter has gone, the shame lingers in the unconscious aspects of the mind, bursting out in moments of heightened doubt.
That playful teasing can become a pervasive voice in our heads, especially when we face failure or judgment. It reminds us that the world is watching. It feels like we are exposed with our flaws. We feel inadequate and less than a human. What began as a harmless game can turn into an adult burden. It shapes how we hold back, hesitate, stay silent, or even harm ourselves.
Shame is sneaky. It doesn't show itself in volume like anger or sorrow; it creeps in quietly, destroying our self-confidence and distorting our perception of ourselves. It tells us that our imperfections are what make us who we are, and that we must demonstrate that we're worthy of love and belonging.
As a child, I was severely punished by my teacher for not completing my homework (due to the sensitive nature of the experience, I will not provide the details). The punishment went beyond a simple reprimand, it was a deep, emotional blow. This experience turned into an internalised shame towards my body and my identity. I only remember crying out of fear and helplessness, but when I look back, that child was feeling the burden of not being able to meet the expectations of people around.
That experience has stuck with me. The harshness of that punishment wasn’t just a moment of discipline. It became a lasting imprint on how I viewed myself and how I feared being seen by others. It drove me to the extent of self harm and life threatening ideations and actions. I am still learning that the shame I felt wasn’t mine to carry. It was a reflection of a system that had no opportunity to learn about compassionate ways of teaching.
What is Shame?
The website of Psychology to (n.d.) defines shame as an experience that involves negatively judging ourselves, when we believe we’ve failed to live up to our own standards or the standards of others. It evolves through the following stages:
Early Experience → Criticism, rejection, or unmet emotional needs.
Internalization → “I am bad” rather than “I did something bad.”
Reinforcement→ Social or cultural messages validate the shame.
Avoidance & Coping → Hiding, people-pleasing, or perfectionism.
Chronic Self-Doubt→ Fear of judgment, self-criticism, and isolation.
Disconnection → Shame deepens, leading to emotional or relational struggles.
From a Jungian perspective, shame is seen as a complex emotion that often arises from a conflict between the conscious self and the unconscious aspects of the psyche. Carl Jung believed that each individual has both a persona (the mask we present to the world) and a shadow (the unconscious, repressed aspects of ourselves that we often deny or refuse to acknowledge). Shame often emerges when there is a disconnect between the persona and the shadow, when a person’s actions or feelings are not aligned with their internal sense of self.
Jung also highlighted that shame can stem from societal and cultural influences, which dictate what is acceptable or "good." When individuals fail to meet these external expectations, they can feel ashamed of not living up to societal norms, further complicating their internal conflict. For Jung, overcoming shame involves acknowledging and integrating these repressed aspects of the self, allowing for greater self-acceptance and wholeness. By confronting the shadow, individuals can move beyond shame and embrace their authentic selves.
Trauma and Shame Connection
According to Osborne-Crowley (2020), “Trauma leads to shame. Trauma determines the content of shame. Shame pushes the body into a traumatic response.” Trauma, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, leaves a lasting imprint on our sense of self and shapes how we view our worth. It disrupts our sense of safety, control, and identity, making us feel unworthy or flawed in ways that extend far beyond the immediate pain.
Physical trauma can challenge our body’s strength, leaving us vulnerable. Emotional trauma, such as betrayal or loss, can create feelings of inadequacy, while psychological trauma, like abuse, erodes our self-worth. In each case, trauma sets the foundation for shame, teaching us that something about us is inherently flawed or unacceptable.
As we internalize these experiences, shame grows, causing us to define ourselves by what happened to us. It becomes a lens through which we see ourselves and the world, making us feel permanently marked by our trauma. In essence, trauma creates the fertile ground for shame to take root, and shame reinforces the belief that we are unworthy of healing. This cycle can trap us, preventing us from forming healthy relationships or fully engaging with life. Many people who have taken their own lives are because of not being able to carry the burden of shame.
Why do people respond to shame differently?
People respond to shame differently due to personality, past experiences, and coping mechanisms. Some withdraw and isolate, while others react with anger or defensiveness to protect themselves. These responses are shaped by early life experiences, cultural influences, and self-perception.
Shame sensitivity refers to how strongly one feels shame in response to judgment or failure. Those with early experiences of criticism, neglect, or trauma may internalize shame more deeply, making them more vulnerable to self-doubt and social judgment. This can impact self-esteem, relationships, and mental health, leading to feelings of unworthiness and isolation.
This heightened sensitivity is often rooted in early life experiences, such as harsh criticism, neglect, or emotional trauma, which shape a person’s self-worth and ability to cope with shame. Those who are highly shame-sensitive may struggle with self-doubt, fear of rejection, and a strong need for approval, making them more vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy.
Over time, shame sensitivity can significantly impact emotional well-being, relationships, and decision-making. People who experience shame intensely may avoid situations where they fear judgment, withdraw from social interactions, or develop perfectionistic tendencies to prevent failure. In some cases, they may react with defensiveness or anger as a way to protect themselves from painful emotions. If unaddressed, chronic shame sensitivity can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. However, developing self-compassion, challenging negative self-beliefs, and seeking supportive relationships can help individuals manage shame in a healthier way.
When shame becomes overwhelming, it distorts self-perception, making individuals feel broken or unlovable. This emotional weight can lead to deep disconnection and hopelessness, reinforcing self-criticism and negative beliefs. Addressing these feelings is crucial to prevent further emotional distress and restore a sense of worth.
Breaking Free from Shame
In The Gay Science, Nietzsche says: "Who do you consider bad? Those who constantly seek to shame others. What is the most compassionate act? To protect someone from shame. And what symbolizes true freedom? The ability to no longer feel ashamed of oneself."
Overcoming shame is not solely an individual responsibility; it is deeply influenced by the cultural and social systems in which we live. Shame is not something we carry alone. It is constructed through the ways we are treated by others, through cultural norms, societal expectations, and social interactions.
When shame is perpetuated by these external forces: through judgment, exclusion, and unrealistic standards, it becomes a collective issue. It is our social responsibility to create communities where shame is not cultivated. We must build environments that embrace acceptance, where people are not defined by their failures or flaws, but by their inherent worth and humanity. It is through these societal changes that we can reduce the harmful impact of shame on individuals.
For individuals who have higher sensitivity to shame, the path involves self-awareness, the courage to challenge the beliefs that shame has instilled, and the willingness to embrace one’s authentic self. Healing starts when we confront the internalized shame and step into our truth. But this process is far more effective when supported by communities that foster acceptance and compassion. Personal responsibility means acknowledging that we are more than the labels imposed on us, and choosing self-compassion and self-acceptance in the face of shame. However, for this shift to truly thrive, society must first create the spaces where such transformation is possible.
If you have higher sensitivity to shame:
Pay attention to the inner critic that tells you you're not enough. Whose voice does it resemble? Where did it originate from?
Shame thrives in silence. Sharing our experiences with a trusted person weakens its grip and opens the door to healing.
Just as we would never call a friend worthless for making a mistake, we shouldn’t do it to ourselves.
Our worth isn’t defined by past failures or external validation. We are more than the labels that shame has placed on us.
Are we living according to our own values, or those taught to us by society? And how they conflict with each other?
We are not our shame. We are not our failures. We are humans: flawed, resilient, and deserving of love. And that is enough.
If you are sensitive to shame and struggling, remember you don’t have to face it alone. Reach out. We’re here to help you through it.
References:
Dolezal, L., Gibson, M. Beyond a trauma-informed approach and towards shame-sensitive practice. Humanit Soc Sci Commun 9, 214 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1057/s41599-022-01227-z
Psychology Today. (n.d.). Editorial process. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 21, 2025, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/docs/editorial-process