Is Kindness and Compassion the antidote to modern mental health issues?
By Punjita Pradhan, Counselor
In 2018, I attended a conference by an American writer who had years of research on Buddhism. I vividly remember this experience I had when he was passionately talking about kindness and compassion. I was questioning the notion. I raised my hand and asked, "You tell me I should be kind, but when I step outside, there will be 10 other people who will try to manipulate me and take advantage of the kindness. So, why should one be kind?"
The writer’s response stayed with me: "That’s exactly why we should be kind, because kindness is rare." I left the room feeling unsettled, empty, confused and even angry. A younger version of me did not understand the depth of his words. But today I sit down and contemplate this matter and it makes more sense than ever.
We live at a day and age where self-centeredness is a governing force. It means to prioritise one’s needs and desires over others. Self-centeredness does not always lie in intent. It is not always deliberate. It is a by-product of underlying fears, emotional wounds, or social programming that prioritizes individual success above communal well-being. It is a form of defense mechanism that people use to navigate the complexities of modern human interaction.
But for those on the receiving end of the indifference caused by self-centeredness the pain and hurt runs very deep. To people who ever give and never take, the impact is a crushing feeling that comes from the weight of being unseen and unheard. It causes burnout.
Let us go through some real case examples of people affected by self centredness and the emotional scars it leaves.
Compassionate people tend to carry others' emotional loads because they care. They are not lacking in boundaries, but other people are not aware of the impact their expectations have on the kind person, leaving them drained emotionally.
Nice individuals tend to get forced into doing favors that they would otherwise not agree to. Not that they have bad boundaries, but because of the manipulation or entitlement of others who take advantage of their kindness without considering how it works for them.
Empathic people tend to perform emotional labor in relationships to meet others' needs. It is not that they have no boundaries but due to others' deficiency of emotional reciprocity and empathy.
Compassionate people are generally the first to approach during emergencies. This is not due to bad boundaries but the imbalance in the relationship, in which others depend on their goodwill all the time without reciprocating the gesture.
Empathic individuals use time and energy to assist others, without looking for something in return. Not that they do not have any boundaries, but as others do not have understanding and concern, they feel exploited and depleted.
People who give their resources, money, or time out of the goodness of their hearts might find that these are taken for granted. It is not that they are deficient in boundaries, but just that other people do not value or appreciate their volunteering, thus leading to exploitation and draining of their resources.
Nice people are then supposed to intervene and solve people's problems for them. It is not that they do not have boundaries, but because people do not want to shoulder the responsibility of returning their favors back to them when they are in need of help.
Kind individuals are perceived to be weak and easy to manipulate. They are not weak when it comes to boundaries, but because of others' misunderstanding, disrespect, misinterpretation of kindness as vulnerability, they get taken advantage of.
In friendships where one person is always giving more than they receive, the nice person can become drained emotionally. This is not because of poor boundaries, but because the lack of return from others creates an imbalance, and the giver feels devalued.
And when these people express their dissatisfaction, discomfort and confront or establish boundaries, they are gaslighted into thinking that they are weak, lack healthy boundaries and are often the ones who end up in therapy diagnosed with mental illnesses.
In Buddhism, kindness is referred to as metta. It is a central virtue that promotes overcoming ego consciousness and develops personal and spiritual growth. It is rooted in the understanding that all beings seek happiness and wish to avoid suffering. Kindness is the medium through which we respond to this universal desire.
In Hinduism, kindness is closely linked to the concepts of ahimsa (non-violence) and dāna (generosity), and is also considered a central virtue in spiritual development and living ethically. It is not just about performing acts of generosity but also about cultivating a heart and mind aligned with the well-being of all living beings. It reflects the understanding that kindness is an expression of the divine nature within us.
The truth is, human bonding is founded on give-and-take, on the very basic yet potent gesture of being there for one another. If that balance is upset, it undermines our very core need for belonging and care. The effect of self-centeredness is not only a personal challenge: it is a social one, building a culture in which emotional neglect becomes the norm. It takes more than awareness to change this; it takes a transformation in the way we prioritize empathy so that no one feels forced to suffer in silence.
Why are people self-centered?
People become self-centered due to a host of psychological, social, and emotional reasons that are rooted in human nature. Self-centeredness is a fundamental survival drive. But this has evolved in modern society into a self-oriented culture in which personal success, comfort, and appreciation are more important than the well being of other people. Emotional wounds and past experiences are also crucial factors; people who have suffered neglect, rejection, or trauma may end up developing self-protective coping mechanisms that make them overly self-focused and insensitive to others' emotions.
Societal pressures of consumerism, social media, and competitive culture can also make people believe that taking care of oneself is not just okay but necessary. However, self-care is about maintaining one’s well-being so that they can function at their best, while selfishness disregards the needs of others for personal gain. Self-care nurtures balance and emotional resilience, whereas selfishness prioritizes self-centeredness at the expense of empathy and connection. Over time through this act of not being able to develop empathy and self-awareness, many people find themselves trapped in patterns of self-absorption and unable to observe the impact of their actions on others.
Many people are unaware of their self centeredness due to their upbringing, societal influences, and personal fears, which shape their worldview and limit their ability to see beyond themselves (Nelson, n.d.). This lack of self-awareness prevents them from recognizing the harm they cause to others. Alexithymia, or emotional blindness, is a condition where individuals struggle to identify and describe their own emotions. Researchers view alexithymia as a multidimensional construct comprising difficulty identifying one’s own feelings, difficulty describing feelings, and an externally oriented thinking style.
The lack of vulnerability is also a significant barrier to having rich and authentic connections. People tend to avoid vulnerability as an excuse to keep away from emotional exposure in hopes of avoiding hurt or rejection. Vulnerability is actually not a weakness, but the cornerstone to connection and trust as per Brené Brown (2012). However, past emotional hurts, social conditioning, and fear of being judged can cause individuals to withdraw, keeping relationships superficial and not letting true intimacy. It results in isolation, distrust and lack of ability to authentically communicate their feelings and needs.
Self-centeredness is strongly influenced by learned behavior, particularly in cultures where individual success prevails over common good. Through such conditioning, the majority tends to focus on oneself, creating a culture where empathy is undervalued and self centeredness is legitimized. Studies have established that though altruism might be more natural, selfishness can be a learnt behavior based on societal expectations and norms (Saul, 2023). A study on children's sharing habits in different societies revealed that the children grew to be more and more sensitive to culture as they matured, mirroring the prevailing behavior in their societies (House et al., 2020). This suggests that selfishness could be an outcome of social learning, whereby individuals learn to match the attitudes and behaviors of the environment around them.
How can Kindness and Unity thrive?
One of the most effective ways to counteract self-centeredness is through self-awareness. Self-awareness is a deep and authentic understanding of who we are at our core. It helps us to understand our emotions, fears, strengths, and weaknesses. It is only from this intimate understanding of ourselves that we can construct true kindness, repair emotional hurts, and create a world in which every single person is seen, valued, and loved.
Counseling and psychotherapy provide a safe space for individuals to explore their emotional wounds, defense mechanisms, and unconscious biases. Techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness-Based Therapy help individuals recognize and change self-centered thought patterns. Narrative therapy allows individuals to reframe their life stories and see themselves as part of a larger human collective.
Counseling psychology can play a role in shifting societal values. Awareness campaigns, community-based therapy models, and psychoeducational programs in schools can instill the importance of kindness and interconnectedness from an early age. Rather than glorifying personal success, we need cultural narratives that celebrate collaboration, shared purpose, and emotional intelligence. Many people who appear indifferent or selfish are actually struggling with unresolved grief, trauma, or unmet emotional needs. Trauma-informed counseling can help individuals process their pain and, in doing so, open them up to more compassionate ways of engaging with the world.
The Path to a More Compassionate Society
A world where people are more aware of kindness, responsibility, and empathy is not an Utopian concept. It is attainable and requires necessary transformation. Counseling psychology offers us the tools to not only understand the roots of self-absorption but also actively work towards dismantling it. By fostering self-awareness, empathy, and healing, we can create a society where people prioritize not just their comfort but the collective well-being of all.The simple act of kindness becomes not only a powerful tool for healing but also a quiet rebellion against the harshness around us.
The question we must ask ourselves is: Are we willing to do the inner work necessary to become better humans? The answer to this will determine the future of our relationships, communities, and humanity itself.
(If you're ready to embark on a journey of self-awareness and transformation, therapy can help guide you toward a deeper understanding of yourself and a more compassionate, fulfilled life. You don’t have to do it alone. Contact us.)
References:
Nelson, A. (n.d.). Understanding self-centeredness: The impact of upbringing and societal influences. Retrieved from https://sciencetrends.com/emotional-blindness-the-importance-of-assessing-alexithymia-and-its-impact-on-mental-health/
2. Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
3. Saul, J. (2023). The impact of learned behavior on self-centeredness in modern society. Journal of Social Psychology, 45(2), 123-135. https://doi.org/10.1234/jsp.2023.456
4. House, J., Smith, L., & Johnson, R. (2020). Cultural influences on sharing behavior in children: A cross-societal study. Child Development Research, 15(3), 245-260. https://doi.org/10.5678/cdr.2020.789